Q: In reading your information on parenting styles I was confused between authoritarian and authoritative. Could you explain? A: Let’s start with the Encarta Dictionary’s definition of each:
Authoritarian (adj): favoring strict rules and established authority; believing in a system in which obedience to the ruling person is strongly enforced; strict, severe, demanding, controlling, rigid, dictatorial.
Authoritative (adj): convincing, reliable, backed by evidence and showing deep knowledge; showing confidence in or the expectation of being obeyed.
The above definitions convey very different approaches to raising children.
The authoritarian parenting style creates an environment that is uncomfortable and tense for all members of the family including adults. The children grow tense and anxious for many reasons. For example, not knowing for sure what is acceptable to the authoritarian parent so the child or children are “walking on eggs” much of the time; the children develop the belief that authority figures in general are to be feared and are the “enemy” out to scrutinize and criticize. The authoritarian raises children with low self-esteem, generally earning less than average grades in school, and become anxious and less- than- happy adults.
The authoritative parenting style creates a predictable environment for children where the children can extrapolate the standards of the household to other situations outside the home. For example, showing respect for other family members with attitude, words, actions, and appropriate emotions can easily translate into the world beyond the family members. Children from such homes are more comfortable with themselves, have higher self-esteem, do better in school, and become more successful and content adults.
Q: I’m working on the Overcome Anxiety and Depression Program and I just started the section about thought distortion. How can I tell if I am distorting my thoughts or if I am just wrong about certain things?
A: If you have not worked through the exercises in the Thought Distortion Chapter, start there. The exercises are meant to guide you through analyzing your Core Beliefs and then determining the thought distortions you might be using.
There is a pattern with Thought Distortions that won’t exist with “just being wrong” at times. Thought Distortion also implies more frequency than being wrong about this or that. Because you have questions about this area, I suggest that you read the chapter and work through the exercises several times until the concept becomes clear to you.
It is difficult for us to see ourselves at times but you will be able to identify any Thought Distortions you use by working through the Exercises in the chapters on Thought Distortions.
Q: How can I tell if I am depressed or just feeling down?
A: No matter which of the above mood state you are in, it feels terrible to you. That is a given! Whether you are feeling “stuck” or “not motivated”, or depressed, it is not a desirable place to be.
Take the Depression Test in the Overcome Anxiety and Depression Program, search the internet for a depression test, or consult your physician to determine the degree of your mood state. Then take the appropriate steps from there with professional help if the indicators are there for that intervention and assessment.
Q: I’m in a rut! At night before I fall asleep I tell myself that tomorrow I will get up and do things. I get up the next day and I don’t want to get going, I can’t get going. I just don’t care about anything. Am I depressed?
A: You could be depressed or you might just be stuck in a rut like you said. Consult your physician and get an assessment for depression.
There are times when disappointment, lack of adequate problem solving skills, and/or lack of coping skills are at the root of being in a rut.
Sometimes not knowing what to do or not being able to identify the problem or obstacle is can be what keeps one in a “rut”. We never took a course in school on Problem Solving Skills let alone how to identify what the problem might be. Have you ever felt a “little blue” then someone important to you calls and you feel better? The problem, in this case, could range from a temporary feeling of loneliness or a deep void existing within. But, without the ability to pinpoint the problem, a solution cannot be forthcoming.
Disappointment is another cause of a down mood state. There is situational disappointment i.e., feeling momentarily or temporarily let down at one end of the spectrum and there is disappointment with the present outcome of one’s life. Disappointment is a general problem category, that is, you must identify the source of the disappointment before the problem can be solved.
Self-esteem fits into this topic. For example, people with low-self esteem might not believe they are capable of finding and enacting a solution. You can see that problems differ from one person to another and the outcome solutions also differ. General information skims the surface of any of our emotional, psychological, and physical dilemmas but a positive long-term outcome is dependent upon digging deeper into personal variables and courses of action. That is why self-help books appeal to the intellect and we say “Oh, now I know!” But having information in your head from a book is one thing. Deep understanding of yourself and your belief system then having a specific plan to change what doesn’t work for you (your thought patterns, beliefs, self-image, definition of the world, expectations of relationships, etc.) is the only way out of any “rut”.
Q: I have always been told I was “hyper” but until recently I never thought of myself as having a problem with anxiety. I’m going through a very ugly divorce which has been going on for 2 years. I feel as though fears are climbing out of thin air and becoming my own. I’m getting increasingly afraid to drive, be out in public with people I don’t know very well, and noises that are part of night sounds are causing me to think something terrible is going to happen. I don’t know what is going on with me.
A: The first step in determining the problem is to go to your family doctor where he/she can assess you to determine if a physical or organic problem is causing or contributing to your symptoms. Once that determination is made, your doctor can recommend proper medical or psychological treatment.
Anxiety disorders, if that is what is going on with you, are very treatable. If you do not seek help in determining your specific situation and it is anxiety related, the condition could become worse over time. If you do seek help, chances are very good that your symptoms can be successfully remitted.
After you see your family doctor and getting your treatment going, consider working the Overcome Anxiety and Depression Program. You might find the reasons you were “hyper” in the past and be able to change some of your thought and behavior patterns to eliminate your “hyper” state.
Q: In the Overcome Anxiety and Depression Program you refer to “endogenous” depression and “exogenous” depression. Exactly what do those terms mean?
A: Exogenous depression is a way of describing a state of depression that originates outside the individual. In other words, that individual is responding to an event or a situation happening in their environment. Another common phrase is “situational depression”. For example, a traumatic event in a person’s life could trigger a situational depression.
Endogenous depression is a depression that has no apparent external cause; it comes from within the individual. An example is a chemical or hormonal imbalance that disturbs the normal mood state.
Anger
Q: I have burst out in anger and after my feelings calmed down I felt bad about myself – ashamed and embarrassed. I don’t understand why I keep responding to things with a quick temper.
A: Those “quick temper” responses you describe happen when your buttons get pushed. By your buttons I mean the thoughts you have in those situations trigger impulses to act, and in this case the impulse is to act out in anger. There is a core belief buried somewhere in your subconscious that feeds the negative thoughts you have in response to certain events. You did not relate a particular type of event that triggers those impulses but you can bet those triggers are beliefs that don’t fit your reality today. How do I know? Because you would not look back and feel ashamed and embarrassed by the way you responded.
If your response arose out of a standard or moral attitude that fit in with your current and conscious beliefs, your after thought would be more positive about yourself.
Self-Esteem and Depression
Q: Most of the time I feel powerless, less than adequate, and not in control of my own life. I have tried reading books on assertiveness, self-esteem, and other topics I thought might help. I feel like crawling into a hole and staying there. It’s getting worse.
A: In this section I usually do not bring up the topic of the Overcome Anxiety and Depression Program if it is not brought up in the question. Here I make an exception.
There are two problems embedded in your email: 1) you don’t know what needs to change so you can feel better and be happy and 2) if you did know what needs to change, you don’t know what to do to change it.
The source of your confusion and self-doubt sounds hard to pin down for you. There are beliefs and thought patterns that underlie our emotions and motivate us to act in particular ways. Most of the time those maladaptive thought patterns and those negative-outdated beliefs are so automatic in the ways we go about daily life that they are not obvious and therefore continue to run our emotions from “behind the scene”.
I recommend you find a therapist who is known to be effective with self-esteem issues, or work the Overcome Anxiety and Depression Program in order to get to the source of your maladaptive patterns and learn how to change them before you become more withdrawn or become more depressed.
Cognitive Therapy
Q: Why is cognitive therapy said to be so good in the treatment of depression? Can you recommend a book on cognitive therapy?
A: You are so correct, and that is because the Cognitive Therapy approach to depression is based upon the fact that the ways in which we think have a definite impact on our emotions and our emotions drive our actions and our responses to situations in our daily life. The concept might be confusing initially but the concept is very clear and simple once you get on to it.
What makes you unique is what goes on inside of you, your beliefs, your thoughts, and your feelings. There is not another person who is a carbon copy of you. You might have beliefs, thoughts, desires, in common with others but the entire composition of what you are is totally unique. Some of those characteristics that account for your uniqueness are adaptive and lead you toward success and happiness. Other characteristics are maladaptive and complete your uniqueness. Changing the maladaptive characteristics (thoughts, beliefs, coping strategies) that are at the root of any discontent, unhappiness, depression, anxiety, anger, etc. will change the outcome of events in daily life.
Trying to identify and sort out your beliefs, thoughts, and emotions is a difficult task. Not something that most of us can read about and then apply in order to diminish or eliminate depression. You cannot see your face without a mirror – you can not “see” the ways in which you think or uncover your deeply embedded beliefs without a mirror, at least not when you first try to discover yourself.
I recommend you take the depression test. If you fall into a category that is not serious enough to indicate professional healthcare intervention, I recommend the Overcome Anxiety and Depression Program. If you are already in therapy, working this program will also be beneficial for continued and accelerated progress in overcoming your depression.
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